so if you decide to cook with green butter…

January 19, 2008 | Category: john

make SURE, i mean SUPER-SURE that your dog doesn’t wander into the kitchen and start licking the floor and rubbing against your leg and when you bend down to push him away he grabs your hand in his mouth and starts licking that too. make SURE this doesn’t happen.

otherwise, you may find yourself sitting with your mate, watching something funny on tv, and at some point it seems the pooch isn’t his usual yappy self, but has decided to retire early, and in a VERY relaxed way, half his body laying on lego pieces, which is not his normally preferred resting place. and you say to your mate “is the dog dead?” and she says ‘ohmigod! i don’t know? do you feel anything? how much did he lick? are you feeling anything?” and you do some quick calculations in your head and determine that a 15-lb. dog weighs less than a tenth of you, and you feel something, for sure, so let’s go rouse the pooch and make sure he’s breathing, right? i mean that’s a good place to start. and he IS alive, thank the lord, and his eyes are, well, it’s so hard to tell cuz they’re always so black and brown and the lighting sucks in this room anyways.
and you may go online to ask.com and then read everyone’s comments to the last poor sucker who wrote in and how they threaten to find him and beat the shit out of him and you are not Fit to own a pet. and that’s a bit of a bummer, to be sure.
and your wife says, “Let’s put him on our bed” and you agree, because you want to be able to monitor him, and at the same time you agree, you remember that there was an earlier reference/promise from wifey regarding some sex tonight, and all of a sudden this potential Major Bummer of the dog overdosing into -what, a canine coma? - gets over-shadowed by the scary possibility that you may not get that promised sex and you feel Anxious about that and Guilty for feeling anxious, and really, isn’t your son’s dog more important than sex with the same woman you’ve been having sex with for the past 22 years - i mean isn’t it? well, no. i mean, yes, i can’t imagine the scenario if the boy woke up to find his beloved dog laying on the couch (where the dog has never been allowed to lay!) dressed in a sweater with some flowers around his head, and his parents sitting there crying, rocking back and forth, crying and looking wretched, saying over and over “i’m sorry i’m sorry”, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.
the dog is still breathing, he’s just in a deep sleep, can we agree on that?
so we don’t need to do anything Right Now, right? and if we didn’t disturb him, and just used This side of the bed, and if we keep our eyes on him the whole time, well, not the Whole Time, but you know, if there’s no reason to panic and Change Course Now, then we can, still, …right?

so, yes, the deed was done, and done well, and yes it was a little scary, and a little creepy, and ok, maybe even a little pathetic, i’ll give you that, but rather than dwell on the reprehensible behavior of two 40-something parents, i think we can learn from this the profound and lasting power of love, and more specifically, how great it feels to fuck.

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